Me, Nameless friend, and Pete 2003
A friend recently got onto me about not posting in my blog for a while. I gave an excuse of work. But, the real reason was a bit different.
I had created a rather lengthy post about my past friends. Guys that I was closer to then my own brother, and guys who I sweated with, guys who I cried with, guys who you could share anything with. Even things that most guys don’t share with each other.
You see almost two years ago I came out to my best friend. He’s the one on the right in the above picture. He expressed his support and his love for me, and told me he would always be there, but then I really didn’t hear from him after that. It was as though I ceased to exist and my old life and relationships never existed.
out of everything about my transition, the hardest part has been loosing these friends. You know that nothing will be the same once you come out, and you know from that moment on your life is completely different. Not only do you shed the defensive walls you put up, but a lot of times you shed the relationships that were formed during the years you were trying to be someone else.
I won’t go on and on about the loss of these relationships, But let me just say I shed a lot of tears as I wrote that phantom post. I just couldn’t bring myself to post it, and that really put a sour taste in my mouth about the whole blogging thing.
Blogging tends to make you dig deep. It lets you poor out your inner thoughts without fear of someone reacting. It lets you search your soul and revisit things you put aside.
So, here I am, posting away, and I really like to post about good things, fun things, and that my friends, is what I’m going to do. You see, I turned 40 on July 19th. Birthdays haven’t been particularly special for me. In fact they tend to pass and few even know I turned another year. Of course like anyone else, the major birthdays, 21, 30, 40 are all important, and you want to mark this as a new chapter in your life.
My 30th birthday was spent with my now ex wife in her apartment as we were separated and working through things at the time. We ate pizza and watched TV, and it passed just as any other day.
I wasn’t going to let 40 pass so quietly. And with that, I embarked on a mission. A mission to not only mark my transition, but to also make sure my friend in that picture was there. And let me tell you. He showed up!
I can’t express how special that was for me. I can’t express how important and how much it meant. It really made everything worth it, and with this one act, other friends from high school have started contacting me. My other very very good friend who works in Afghanistan, a member of the group I was so close to, assures me he’s planning on seeing me when he’s back next.
It really seems as though this little hiccup in my life may be past and even though my relationships with them will be different. I get to keep them.
I can tell you after a very long time of not seeing him, I was nervous. I was no longer the person he remembered, and I didn’t know what he would think. Of course I tried to be as hot as I could ;), I wanted him to see that my transition was happening in a very positive way. I wanted him to meet my girlfriend, and my friends who now dominate my social life. I wanted him to see, that deep down in my core, I’m still me. I’m just the me that he got to see at my most vulnerable. The real me, the one that really made me who I was.
I’ll post again about the celebration and all it’s fun times, but for now I’ll leave you with this.
Relationships worth having will persist through the best and worst of times. Those are the ones you work on, and those are the ones that make life worth living. And no matter how much we change, that stays the same.
I love you best friend guy 🙂