I know it’s been a long time since I posted a blog update. I’m sorry for that. Work has gotten way crazy, and honestly, I was sick of computers.
So, here I am. I’ve just gotten back from a trip to our corporate office in California, and I’ve never been happier.
I work remotely, and this has really allowed me to transition at home without having to really face other people at work. It creates a lot of anxiety when trips are scheduled, and I usually spend a few weeks wringing my hands and almost giving myself a heart attack because each time I’ve changed just that much more.
I live my life as Veronika while I’m home, and I’m not in the closet with anyone. But, I haven’t really had that talk of talks with work just yet.
After my last trip to Israel, I decided that with no foreseeable travel, I was going to do some things that I’ve been putting off. Hair color, extensions, earrings, and my first surgery were definitely in my sights. My appearance has changed a lot since that trip, and I was hoping the break from travel would solidify my grasp on transition and really push me through the point of no return.
My break from travel was short lived, and shortly after this, like the very next week, I was told that a group who I’ve had some really rough times with wanted a face to face meeting in a couple of weeks. At this point I was so over my job, and quite frankly didn’t care if they fired me, I told them it wasn’t possible until at least February.
Lucky for me, we just had a reorg and one of my best friends, who knows about me, became my boss, and I was able to fill him in on some things. He’s great, and understood and we put the team off for a few months. It really worked out great as a lot of things got solved even before the trip.
So there I was, the trip inching closer, even got moved up two weeks, and I was faced with the very real necessity to tell HR.
My HR rep has been awesome, and they almost seemed excited about the transition. They let me know that someone else had been through this, and I could talk to her if I wanted, and honestly, that made me feel great.
I bought my tickets, and packed my clothes, and made an attempt at butching up before I left for the airport.
Any idea I had that people saw me as a guy was quickly ruined by the ever so nice TSA people as they called me ma’am, miss, young lady, sweetie, and all the like. My sudden panic about bathrooms almost consumed me as I was trying not to be a girl, but still didn’t pass as a guy. Suddenly both sets of bathrooms were a no man’s land…. or no woman’s land…. I guess it depends on how you look at it.
Lucky for me, the airports had some really nice unisex bathrooms, so that crisis was averted. My bladder was loving me again, and I could relax a little as I flew from Houston, to Dallas, to California.
About two weeks prior to the trip, I had surgery on my midsection, and flying in a compression garment that crowds your intestines can make for a miserable trip. It pressed so hard into me, that any movement in my bowels came to a complete halt, and I really didn’t know how I was going to get things working again. Umm…. Yeah, like that.
This surgery which was lipo and a tummy tuck with fat injection in my hips gave me a new feminine body that didn’t quite fit into my male pants anymore. So there I am, with my pants up to my armpits, my bowels kinked to no end, and totally scared that my long blonde hair was going to evoke some type of reaction that I wouldn’t be able to deal with.
I arrived at the hotel around 2 am, pulled my garment off, laid on the bed, and prayed things would work right before the morning. Thank God they did, or I would have exploded all over the meeting rooms and I’m sure that would have really given the wrong impression.
The next day, I had planned on slipping into the room before anyone else, but that jerk Murphy had other ideas. I was 10 minutes late, and I had to walk into the room as people were giving their personal bios, and all eyes landed on me.
Yep, Hello spotlight! So there I am my hair in a ponytail, my beautiful face ;), holes in my ears that had previously been home to some cute earrings, and my male pants up so high because of my new luxurious hips. It was almost as if time stood still for an instance like in those twix commercials. Only thing Is I couldn’t go back and change it.
There I was center stage, searching for something to say. What was only a few seconds felt like forever, and my forehead turned into a waterfall of sweat, before I simply smiled, and said “Hello everybody!”
Before my trip, HR had asked if I was going to be presenting. And of course I was. It wouldn’t have been a problem if I was going to sit quietly in the corner. It wouldn’t have been a problem if I wasn’t charging into battle in a room full of people who’s had their entire job duties turned upside down by someone coming in and redesigning their solution.
Of course Murphy’s a bitch, but the funny thing about Murphy, he pushes you through uncomfortable situations. He makes you face a task with no where to run. He makes you plan for what could be. Murphy kicked me in the ass that day. He pushed me into enemy territory screaming my battle cry, leaving my insecurities dead or dying in my wake.
Maybe it’s fight or flight, but when you’re faced with a pivotal point in your life, it changes you just a little. Needless to say, I proved my worth. I defended my decisions, I suggested new changes, and in the end, a room full of techno nerds that may have started out with their own idea of me, found out who I really was.