Hidden Gifts

We fight so hard to fit into what people expect of us, and finally, we realize, that, which we fight so hard against, is actually a gift that only a few will ever know. It’s then, that we can be ourselves. Even if those around us will never understand that gift, it’s ours to live, suffer, and finally enjoy.

 

If you’ve ever climbed a hill, mountain, or even just a serious amount of flights of stairs, you know what each step is measured, small, and deliberate.  In the beginning we think, there is no way we can do it.  Even, an overwhelming feeling of why do it in the first place.

There are those around us, all with very vocal voices, and no shortage of opinions on why or how to even attempt such an endeavor, and many see no purpose in it whats so ever.

Even within ourselves this conflict is there.  How should we do it, why should we do it, and even, should we do it at all.

It’s a personal matter, a matter no one but ourselves will ever understand.  Even those who claim to feel the same can’t quite put their finger on the same feelings that we have within our heart.

When I was younger, and I realized I was different, I prayed with all my might to be normal.  I wanted so desperately to be like the others, and I wanted so desperately to make my parents proud.  Even to this day, that drive, that urge, that need to please my parents and even those who I’ve looked up to, is still there, and as strong as ever.

But soon we realize that even before we knew it our right foot has already made the step toward that hill, and the left is sure to follow.  After a time, as we climb, and as we pass different challenges along the way we realize that at this point, climbing to the top is the better choice than simply turning around and making the treacherous trip back down.

It’s an epiphany, it’s a realization of a gift, and it’s a moment in our life when we realize that Gods path for us becomes so very clear.

Sure some will say, we’re wrong, some will claim to speak for God, and some, with all of the confidence in the world will claim we are going against him, when we, in our heart, hear him speaking to us.

There was a man who was convicted of a murder of his wife.  He spend 20 years in prison and was on death row three times.  I watched this documentary with such horror and when the person asked him if he was angry about it all.

He, with all of his graciousness, replied, no.  To him it was a gift.  He explained that in his life he had been able to experience everything that life had to offer.  Pain, sadness, despair, joy, elation, the real human experience.  This man’s comments resonated with me and as I sat there, tears in my eyes, I realized that all of the suffering of being transgender goes hand in hand with all of the joy and it’s all a gift.  It’s a gift that I am thankful for and I can’t possibly express enough how blessed I feel to have it.

It’s difficult for us to see these gifts, it’s hard for us to accept, and in a world where “fair” seems to be thought of as some birth right, we tend to turn away from the gifts that God gives us.


So, here I am, I can see the summit,  I’ve slipped, fallen, rested, and even considered turning back completely,  but now when I look back, from this point on the mountain, I can see the entire path.  Not just at the base of the mountain, but the entire path that has led me here in all of it’s perfect balance.

And when I’m at the top, when I’m finally able to make this whole transition a thing in my past, I’ll be a better person for it, and I’ll know love and joy like I’ve never known before.

Our life isn’t what others decide for us, it’s not what others plan, and their disappointments are within them.  It’s us who has to listen, and it’s us who have to take that first step.

Listen to God, and step with the right, the left will follow, and after a while, I promise when you look back the view will be breathtaking.

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5 thoughts on “Hidden Gifts

  1. Angela Moss says:

    I have my memories of Kevin and those I cherish, but I have to say that I am so happy to have the opportunity to know you. Your strength and gracious spirit is amazing to see. You living your life and making your way in a world that is not always accepting, or even nice, is something I admire more than you know. I hope that I can be half the strong, amazing woman you are. And now you need to come see me in San Antonio sometime! Best wishes my friend.

  2. Majorino says:

    You’re honestly a breath of fresh air in terms of a transitioning woman. So many women i meet that are in that stage are very stuck up and unappreciative of their situation and how it’s changing their lives. You actually seem like you’re changing on the inside as well as the outside and i commend you for that and for making your story public. I admire you.

  3. Florence Jane says:

    I love your thoughts, love all the analogies to our experience, but I want to ask a question that I’m quite sure you’ve gotten before. When I look at how much hate the world still has for us, and how the transgender community at large seems to take umbrage at the word “tranny,” and how much fun the cisgender community seems to have with the word, why make such free use of the word. I recognize that like so many epithets for ethnic groups, it’s ours to either embrace or toss out, but not to have thrown at us. Nonetheless, when I hear the word I cringe and I have to assume that there are many African-Americans who also cringe with the N-word. I guess what I’m saying is, “I get that it’s ‘ours’ to use, but what if we choose not to use it when we ask others to step away from it.”

    • Hi,

      Tranny wasn’t invented by cis people. In fact it was invented as an inclusionary word for those people who fell under an umbrella of bucking gender norms. My friends use it, I use it, and, Honestly, it’s become such a short way of saying anything trans.

      Where I come from being a tranny actually means more toward transsexual even if that’s not the original meaning of the word.

      I find that the trans community following in the footsteps of the post civil rights groups where certain “leaders” have capitalized on a victim mentality for financial gain is taking us down the same path of victimization.

      I refuse to let a few people convince me that a word is offensive because they teach that it is. I’ve heard the talking points about it being the last word someone hears before being beaten to death, and I seriously counter that with the idea that many other words are used in a much higher frequency.

      With all that being said, It’s intent and context that should be focused on, and not the annunciation of a word that means many things to many people.

      The camp that is trying to ban such words are actually doing more harm than good to our community. Education and not birating is the key to education and combating bigotry.

      My thought is, we are a tough group, lets not let ourselves slide into this mentality that the world hates us, and any word used regardless of intent can have such an affect on us that we use it to justify why we can’t succeed in life.

      Hope that helps explain my position on it.

      BTW, there is no consensus in the trans community that it’s offensive regardless of what is read on some internet forum.

  4. thanks for reminding me to stop on my journey and take a look at how far I’ve come and appreciate that rather than focussing only on the seemingly hard journey ahead.

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